Relationship Titles: Why Guys Hate 'Em

Relationship titles...such a polarizing subject these days. Usually, this polarization exists between the sexes...females want them, guys avoid them. This is my humble attempt to explain why that is, at least from my perspective. Here it goes...

Contrary to popular belief, men do not avoid relationships/titles because we "can't have just one" like Lay's potato chips. Let's get one thing clear right away, titles are myths...illusions designed to foster security and a sense of ownership.

Quick tangent: For all intents and purposes, one is considered single until said individual is officially married. When was the last time you filled out an official document that asked for your relationship status and gave you options other than single, married, or divorced? There's not a box for "Talking" or "Dating" or "I have a significant other" or you get the point...I say that to say unless you've said "I do" and have had the requisite paperwork PROPERLY filled out and processed...YOU ARE SINGLE. REAL relationship titles come with things like tax breaks, beneficiary statuses on insurance policies, next of kin privileges, etc..

Having said this brings to me my next point: A man will step out on you/betray your trust WITH OR WITHOUT a title. If he lacks the character to be loyal and trustworthy without the title, your forcing him (or whatever method you choose) into a relationship is not going to suddenly give him the ability to stay faithful. A non-attached slickster simply turns into an attached slickster...and i'm sure you know how that song goes. Furthermore, if the only thing stopping this guy from venturing outside of the yard is an social construction such as a title...I suggest your relationship is doomed from the start anyway. If a man truly values and respects you, he will not betray your trust whether or not you've even discussed a relationship. If he truly likes you, you have nothing to worry about. That's not to say that as soon as you meet him that he will immediately kill all communication with the opposite sex, that kind of thing takes time, and truthfully at that point you probably
don't even care (unless you're crazy...which is a topic for another day, another time). Do you honestly think a man with the character to cheat gets into a dangerous situation and says to himself "nah, I can't do it...i'm in a relationship now"? The answer is a resounding NO.

So to summarize to this point: titles are intangible ideas that do very little (if anything) in the way of influencing men from doing whatever it is they truly want to do, good or bad. Now, that that's out of the way, I can move on to my next point...

I've often heard women say things like "Well if titles aren't a big deal and you don't have a reason to stay single, then why not?" and "If we already act like we're together why not make it official?" Well...(as I crack my knuckles) the answer is a rather simple one...because things CHANGE. And no matter what, the conversation usually goes the same way, a guy says something to that effect and the girl usually counters with one of the following responses: "You're just using that as an excuse" or my personal favorite: "I'm not them, don't compare me to girls in your past!" The fact of the matter is the girls in our past most likely gave us that same line about being different and two weeks later...THINGS CHANGED. My jokes aren't funny anymore, I can't watch what I want to watch on TV, I'm suddenly the most selfish person you've ever met, if another girls sneezes and I say "Bless You" I'm flirting and yadda yadda yadda.

In reality, before the title we have you right where we want you...after the title you have us right where you want us. It's a never-ending tug-o-war in which only one side wins (usually). To use a business analogy, (DISCLAIMER: THIS ONLY APPLIES IF BOTH SIDES HAVE A MUTUAL ADMIRATION FOR EACH OTHER, NOT IN CASES WHEN ONE PERSON IS BEING LED ON) for most guys relationships are like high risk, low reward propositions. They provide a trillion new opportunities for us to mess up, while offering scarce opportunities for recognition/reward. Let me explain, before the title a girl's rights to getting upset are limited by the fact that technically, you guys aren't together. The guy keeps his get out of jail free card: "You are NOT my girlfriend", and thus the girl is far less likely to get out of pocket, be the offense great or small. This (maybe surprisingly) benefits both parties by keeping things in perspective, as both sides run the risk of losing the other and as such stay on their toes and usually stay away from outlandish antics and outbursts of anger. However...once he forfeits his rights to that powerful phrase, all bets are off. Magically, women are prone to nitpicking/nagging/accusing/getting overly emotional nearly immediately. Hence, my high risk reference. Ladies beware the double-edged sword, once the guy loses the get out of jail free card, he may also lose his will to strive to keep things fresh and new...basically his zest for life or his will to live (just joking...kind of). But this is what you wanted right? Going along with the risk theme, anything he might do once you guys have made it official is magnified tenfold by anyone in the know about your relationship status. You now feel the need to save face and worry thirty times more about people's perceptions of you and your relationship. Now that you guys are together, people are watching more closely and if he so much as directs a girl to the bathroom, your "friends" are going to tell you about it. And now the title which was supposed to make you feel secure has actually put your relationship in even more jeopardy.

On the converse side of the proposition (the low reward part), the things that he used to do for you because he wanted to now become chores. You EXPECT him to do these things because of that silly title. So if for any reason he does not do those things he's subject to an argument, berating, complaining, pettiness...should I continue? Quick Tangent: Nothing...I repeat NOTHING will make a man NOT want to do something for you faster and more effectively than EXPECTING him to do it...don't believe me? Try it. And even he continues to do all the things that he did for you before, you don't appreciate them as much because that's what he's SUPPOSED to do. So now he's doing more (or equal) work for less pay essentially. If your job put you in that situation you probably wouldn't stay very long.

Another thing that is quite troubling (which I briefly touched on) is the fact that instead of becoming more secure, women in relationships often do the opposite and become even more insecure. I mean, if you didn't trust him before then you probably shouldn't have even bothered with the relationship right? Surely, you didn't think the title would suddenly bring trust did you? ...you did? Oh...ok. Yeah...moving right along.

It probably seems like I'm against all relationships which couldn't be further from the truth, especially since I'm pretty happy with my own. But, the next time you or someone you know is pressuring a guy into a relationship, just know that in the end you're only hurting yourself. It sucks that it's on his time, but until he's ready...it's not going to happen (not successfully anyway). You always have the option to move on if you get tired of waiting...which in reality would make you more attractive anyway. But yeah, I've said more than enough but I hope that helps someone avoid some unnecessary relationship jockeying. If not, oh well...

"A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still." -My Mother

Ahh, that feels better.

Man Oh Man, Pastor Manning: The Real Uncle Ruckus

I'm back from hiatus (LOL), but first and foremost I would encourage everyone to take a look at my brother's blog at http://www.kingdomson3.blogspot.com/. While my blog is entertaining, his probably has something you NEED. Now, on to today's post.

I'm sure everyone out there has either read the Boondocks comic strip or seen the show on Cartoon Network and if you haven't then shame on you. One of the main characters is a self-loathing black guy who hates everything Black. Calling him a sell-out would be a gross understatement as he goes so far to convince himself that he's truly a white man (even though his skin is black as night) suffering from a case of "re-vitoligo" which he states is "the opposite of what Michael Jackson got." Obviously the creator of the Boondocks, Aaron McGruder uses this extremely outlandish and crass character as an avenue to make a commentary on blacks who hate themselves and let that hate dictate what they say, how they act, and how they think.

Unfortunately...we have been blessed with the presence of a real live Uncle Ruckus, who is so outrageous that he makes you wonder aloud if he's indeed serious about what he says (he is). His main target (arch nemesis) is none other than Barack Obama and his wife Michelle (whom he refers to as Jezebel on more than one occasion). He believes Obama to be the anti-Christ and the product of a "white trashy mother". All the more surprising (or may be not) is that Manning spews his "ridiculosity" from the pulpit of his own church (cult). He took it upon himself to "rename" Harlem, NY as ATLAH (also the name of his church...go figure) which stands for "All The Land Anointed Holy". If you haven't heard of this guy then you may not understand fully the "essence of Manning". So take a look:



If you haven't been exposed to this before I bet your jaw dropped. Notice as Manning tries to hide his black hate by praising MLK Jr. and also how his standard of beauty points toward fair-skinned (and/or mixed) women such as Halle Berry and Lena Horne. This video is just one of many in which Manning attacks people out of his own jealousy. He also takes aim at fellow preachers T.D. Jakes (search for "Rent Money Dance") and Creflo Dollar (search for "Creflo Dollar is a Times Square Pimp") and none other than Oprah Winfrey.

Of course, Manning has been approached and used by Fox News as an anti-Obama voice. Naturally, he's not intelligent enough to realize that they are just using him as a tool (an Obama hating black man) and sees it as vindication for his messages. What a sad, sad way of life. Jealousy and ignorance is a very combustible combination.

IF you want more from this moron, just type in "ATLAH", "Pastor Manning", or "Idiot" in the youtube search bar (ok I made the last one up) and you will find an abundance of buffoonery...view at your own risk.

Next post...I expose another self-loather (this one may surprise you).

Ahh, that feels better.

Hammer Syndrome: Symptoms And Cures

Hopefully by now you've had the joy of watching "Hammertime" on A&E. If you're not familiar with the show, it stars none other than the "Hip-Hop legend" MC Hammer and his family. While extremely corny, it is one of my favorite new shows on tv. Mostly due to the fact that it is exceedingly entertaining to witness someone who is a: "has been", over the hill, past his prime, etc. star who seemingly is not aware of this fact. Furthermore, he carries himself in such a way that would lead you to believe that he actually believes that he still holds relevance in the public eye because of his..."musical prowess." Everything from the way he speaks, dresses, tweets, and even parents his children suggest that he thinks he's on the same level as a P. Diddy or Jay-Z if you will. He seems like a good guy with respectable morals and values which he tries to impart to his children. However, watching his various exploits, from pumping his stable of wack artists as quality talent, to his new "hit" song "I Got Gigs", to referring to his one-time concert partner (and fellow has been) Vanilla Ice as "Ice Man" reminded me of several people in the world who believe they're hotter/more important than they really are. I have diagnosed these people as having Hammer Syndrome and have divided this prolific disease into three types, all a result of having an extremely inaccurate self-image in other people's eyes. I will attempt to describe these types to the best of my ability...work with me.



Type 1: The Delusionist
Symptoms: This is the person (we all know one...or some) who think they are important in EVERYONE'S eyes. As such, they believe that general statements meant for everyone somehow pertain to only them. This is the person that often (stalks) mistakes people's facebook statuses or the like as diatribes, insults, praises meant for them. This person often fails to realize that the people they stalk incessantly, are NOT paying them any attention. They often desire to be so popular that this desire clouds their ability to realize that they're not important enough for people to make public (or private) statements about. This is the most severe type of Hammer's Syndrome, and unfortunately the most common. Often the most unattractive person in a group of friends.
Cure: IGNORE. As you would think, this person loves attention and lives by the credo that there's "no such thing as bad publicity." They feed on others reactions and responses to them and see it as validation of their "importance." No matter how difficult or how satisfying it would be you must fight the urge to stoop to their level. You will be doing them (and everyone else) a favor in the long run as eventually they will realize how irrelevant they really are to most people and fade into the background (where they belong).

Type 2: The Paranoid Delusionist
Symptoms: This is the first cousin of the type 1 case of Hammer's Syndrome, but is less severe as it usually effects only a select few instead of the general population. The paranoid delusionist is similar to the regular delusionist as their symptoms are born out of the belief that they hold a more important place in the life of the person(s) they interact with closely. This is the person that believes that someone is always lying to them without realizing that the accused person stands to neither benefit NOR suffer any lasting consequences from simply lying. The most common case is when the type 2 accuses someone of "talking" to someone else even though there is no commitment involved. This often leaves the accused in a weird position because they are forced to pretty much let the type 2 know that they're not important enough to lie to and that they have NOTHING to lose either way. However, this is rarely effective as the type 2 believes...you guessed it: that this is yet another lie. This is astoundingly frustrating for both parties.
Cure: IGNORE. You will only be wasting your time if you argue with the type 2 as they will believe any and everything you say is a lie. You can tell this person that the sky is blue and the president is mixed and they will argue with you because they (or their friends) have convinced themselves that you are a bonafide liar. The only way to deal with the type 2 is to give them time to sulk in their silliness until they realize that you don't care or that they're being a complete dufus.

Type 3: The Wackmaster General
Symptoms: This is the saddest case because this person usually has generally benevolent motives in life. They just simply are not aware of their own wackness. They think no matter where they are or who they're around that they are the star of the show. You can often find this person wearing sunglasses at night or in dark places, wearing "Du Rags" to social functions (even though they NEVER gain a wave), trying to become a "rapper" (even though they couldn't beat Roy Jones Jr. in a freestyle battle), or just generally doing the most. While they are harmless to others, they often provoke others to feel sorry for them (or to laugh at them).
Cure: There is no known cure for wackness at this time. Sorry.

So as you can see, Hammer's Syndrome effects us all. Let's take some time out and assess ourselves as most of us fall into the first two categories at some point in life, but only YOU can stop it before it happens. If you or someone you know is suffering from Hammer's Syndrome, please isolate the problem and fix it before this person can become contagious. Again, things are never as good or as bad as they seem.

Ahh, that feels better.