Relationship Titles: Why Guys Hate 'Em

Relationship titles...such a polarizing subject these days. Usually, this polarization exists between the sexes...females want them, guys avoid them. This is my humble attempt to explain why that is, at least from my perspective. Here it goes...

Contrary to popular belief, men do not avoid relationships/titles because we "can't have just one" like Lay's potato chips. Let's get one thing clear right away, titles are myths...illusions designed to foster security and a sense of ownership.

Quick tangent: For all intents and purposes, one is considered single until said individual is officially married. When was the last time you filled out an official document that asked for your relationship status and gave you options other than single, married, or divorced? There's not a box for "Talking" or "Dating" or "I have a significant other" or you get the point...I say that to say unless you've said "I do" and have had the requisite paperwork PROPERLY filled out and processed...YOU ARE SINGLE. REAL relationship titles come with things like tax breaks, beneficiary statuses on insurance policies, next of kin privileges, etc..

Having said this brings to me my next point: A man will step out on you/betray your trust WITH OR WITHOUT a title. If he lacks the character to be loyal and trustworthy without the title, your forcing him (or whatever method you choose) into a relationship is not going to suddenly give him the ability to stay faithful. A non-attached slickster simply turns into an attached slickster...and i'm sure you know how that song goes. Furthermore, if the only thing stopping this guy from venturing outside of the yard is an social construction such as a title...I suggest your relationship is doomed from the start anyway. If a man truly values and respects you, he will not betray your trust whether or not you've even discussed a relationship. If he truly likes you, you have nothing to worry about. That's not to say that as soon as you meet him that he will immediately kill all communication with the opposite sex, that kind of thing takes time, and truthfully at that point you probably
don't even care (unless you're crazy...which is a topic for another day, another time). Do you honestly think a man with the character to cheat gets into a dangerous situation and says to himself "nah, I can't do it...i'm in a relationship now"? The answer is a resounding NO.

So to summarize to this point: titles are intangible ideas that do very little (if anything) in the way of influencing men from doing whatever it is they truly want to do, good or bad. Now, that that's out of the way, I can move on to my next point...

I've often heard women say things like "Well if titles aren't a big deal and you don't have a reason to stay single, then why not?" and "If we already act like we're together why not make it official?" Well...(as I crack my knuckles) the answer is a rather simple one...because things CHANGE. And no matter what, the conversation usually goes the same way, a guy says something to that effect and the girl usually counters with one of the following responses: "You're just using that as an excuse" or my personal favorite: "I'm not them, don't compare me to girls in your past!" The fact of the matter is the girls in our past most likely gave us that same line about being different and two weeks later...THINGS CHANGED. My jokes aren't funny anymore, I can't watch what I want to watch on TV, I'm suddenly the most selfish person you've ever met, if another girls sneezes and I say "Bless You" I'm flirting and yadda yadda yadda.

In reality, before the title we have you right where we want you...after the title you have us right where you want us. It's a never-ending tug-o-war in which only one side wins (usually). To use a business analogy, (DISCLAIMER: THIS ONLY APPLIES IF BOTH SIDES HAVE A MUTUAL ADMIRATION FOR EACH OTHER, NOT IN CASES WHEN ONE PERSON IS BEING LED ON) for most guys relationships are like high risk, low reward propositions. They provide a trillion new opportunities for us to mess up, while offering scarce opportunities for recognition/reward. Let me explain, before the title a girl's rights to getting upset are limited by the fact that technically, you guys aren't together. The guy keeps his get out of jail free card: "You are NOT my girlfriend", and thus the girl is far less likely to get out of pocket, be the offense great or small. This (maybe surprisingly) benefits both parties by keeping things in perspective, as both sides run the risk of losing the other and as such stay on their toes and usually stay away from outlandish antics and outbursts of anger. However...once he forfeits his rights to that powerful phrase, all bets are off. Magically, women are prone to nitpicking/nagging/accusing/getting overly emotional nearly immediately. Hence, my high risk reference. Ladies beware the double-edged sword, once the guy loses the get out of jail free card, he may also lose his will to strive to keep things fresh and new...basically his zest for life or his will to live (just joking...kind of). But this is what you wanted right? Going along with the risk theme, anything he might do once you guys have made it official is magnified tenfold by anyone in the know about your relationship status. You now feel the need to save face and worry thirty times more about people's perceptions of you and your relationship. Now that you guys are together, people are watching more closely and if he so much as directs a girl to the bathroom, your "friends" are going to tell you about it. And now the title which was supposed to make you feel secure has actually put your relationship in even more jeopardy.

On the converse side of the proposition (the low reward part), the things that he used to do for you because he wanted to now become chores. You EXPECT him to do these things because of that silly title. So if for any reason he does not do those things he's subject to an argument, berating, complaining, pettiness...should I continue? Quick Tangent: Nothing...I repeat NOTHING will make a man NOT want to do something for you faster and more effectively than EXPECTING him to do it...don't believe me? Try it. And even he continues to do all the things that he did for you before, you don't appreciate them as much because that's what he's SUPPOSED to do. So now he's doing more (or equal) work for less pay essentially. If your job put you in that situation you probably wouldn't stay very long.

Another thing that is quite troubling (which I briefly touched on) is the fact that instead of becoming more secure, women in relationships often do the opposite and become even more insecure. I mean, if you didn't trust him before then you probably shouldn't have even bothered with the relationship right? Surely, you didn't think the title would suddenly bring trust did you? ...you did? Oh...ok. Yeah...moving right along.

It probably seems like I'm against all relationships which couldn't be further from the truth, especially since I'm pretty happy with my own. But, the next time you or someone you know is pressuring a guy into a relationship, just know that in the end you're only hurting yourself. It sucks that it's on his time, but until he's ready...it's not going to happen (not successfully anyway). You always have the option to move on if you get tired of waiting...which in reality would make you more attractive anyway. But yeah, I've said more than enough but I hope that helps someone avoid some unnecessary relationship jockeying. If not, oh well...

"A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still." -My Mother

Ahh, that feels better.