Hammer Syndrome: Symptoms And Cures

Hopefully by now you've had the joy of watching "Hammertime" on A&E. If you're not familiar with the show, it stars none other than the "Hip-Hop legend" MC Hammer and his family. While extremely corny, it is one of my favorite new shows on tv. Mostly due to the fact that it is exceedingly entertaining to witness someone who is a: "has been", over the hill, past his prime, etc. star who seemingly is not aware of this fact. Furthermore, he carries himself in such a way that would lead you to believe that he actually believes that he still holds relevance in the public eye because of his..."musical prowess." Everything from the way he speaks, dresses, tweets, and even parents his children suggest that he thinks he's on the same level as a P. Diddy or Jay-Z if you will. He seems like a good guy with respectable morals and values which he tries to impart to his children. However, watching his various exploits, from pumping his stable of wack artists as quality talent, to his new "hit" song "I Got Gigs", to referring to his one-time concert partner (and fellow has been) Vanilla Ice as "Ice Man" reminded me of several people in the world who believe they're hotter/more important than they really are. I have diagnosed these people as having Hammer Syndrome and have divided this prolific disease into three types, all a result of having an extremely inaccurate self-image in other people's eyes. I will attempt to describe these types to the best of my ability...work with me.



Type 1: The Delusionist
Symptoms: This is the person (we all know one...or some) who think they are important in EVERYONE'S eyes. As such, they believe that general statements meant for everyone somehow pertain to only them. This is the person that often (stalks) mistakes people's facebook statuses or the like as diatribes, insults, praises meant for them. This person often fails to realize that the people they stalk incessantly, are NOT paying them any attention. They often desire to be so popular that this desire clouds their ability to realize that they're not important enough for people to make public (or private) statements about. This is the most severe type of Hammer's Syndrome, and unfortunately the most common. Often the most unattractive person in a group of friends.
Cure: IGNORE. As you would think, this person loves attention and lives by the credo that there's "no such thing as bad publicity." They feed on others reactions and responses to them and see it as validation of their "importance." No matter how difficult or how satisfying it would be you must fight the urge to stoop to their level. You will be doing them (and everyone else) a favor in the long run as eventually they will realize how irrelevant they really are to most people and fade into the background (where they belong).

Type 2: The Paranoid Delusionist
Symptoms: This is the first cousin of the type 1 case of Hammer's Syndrome, but is less severe as it usually effects only a select few instead of the general population. The paranoid delusionist is similar to the regular delusionist as their symptoms are born out of the belief that they hold a more important place in the life of the person(s) they interact with closely. This is the person that believes that someone is always lying to them without realizing that the accused person stands to neither benefit NOR suffer any lasting consequences from simply lying. The most common case is when the type 2 accuses someone of "talking" to someone else even though there is no commitment involved. This often leaves the accused in a weird position because they are forced to pretty much let the type 2 know that they're not important enough to lie to and that they have NOTHING to lose either way. However, this is rarely effective as the type 2 believes...you guessed it: that this is yet another lie. This is astoundingly frustrating for both parties.
Cure: IGNORE. You will only be wasting your time if you argue with the type 2 as they will believe any and everything you say is a lie. You can tell this person that the sky is blue and the president is mixed and they will argue with you because they (or their friends) have convinced themselves that you are a bonafide liar. The only way to deal with the type 2 is to give them time to sulk in their silliness until they realize that you don't care or that they're being a complete dufus.

Type 3: The Wackmaster General
Symptoms: This is the saddest case because this person usually has generally benevolent motives in life. They just simply are not aware of their own wackness. They think no matter where they are or who they're around that they are the star of the show. You can often find this person wearing sunglasses at night or in dark places, wearing "Du Rags" to social functions (even though they NEVER gain a wave), trying to become a "rapper" (even though they couldn't beat Roy Jones Jr. in a freestyle battle), or just generally doing the most. While they are harmless to others, they often provoke others to feel sorry for them (or to laugh at them).
Cure: There is no known cure for wackness at this time. Sorry.

So as you can see, Hammer's Syndrome effects us all. Let's take some time out and assess ourselves as most of us fall into the first two categories at some point in life, but only YOU can stop it before it happens. If you or someone you know is suffering from Hammer's Syndrome, please isolate the problem and fix it before this person can become contagious. Again, things are never as good or as bad as they seem.

Ahh, that feels better.